Yodelling in the wind.

Dear Yodel, 

Thank you very much for the card you delivered today. How thoughtful of you and how nice that you delivered it during the two-hour window that you promised to. It’s just such a shame that as you were in the area you didn’t actually deliver the package that the card informed me about. 
    The card said that you were sorry to miss me, but this has left me somewhat confused as I was sitting here all along and the doorbell didn’t ring and neither did my phone. So, how was it that our paths didn’t cross?
    Could it possibly be that your driver is a kampanaphobia sufferer and won't touch doorbells? Maybe she / he was standing at my door in the midst of a panic attack, hyper-ventilating, hoping I’d hear the heavy breathing and know that it was the driver.  If this was the case, then may I apologise for missing the signs. Had I heard them, I would not only have signed for the package but also offered the driver a cup of tea.  May I suggest, however, that deliver driver is perhaps not the best line of work for a kampanaphobic. 
    Could it be that I missed the smoke signals the driver sent to inform me of his/her impending arrivals? If so, again apologies for missing them but if you are communicating by this traditional technology, please could you at least send me a text to let me know the signals are on their way? 
    Maybe the driver was using telepathy to let me know he / she was on my doorstep, with my package under his /her arm, waiting to greet me with a cheery good day. If telepathy is your chosen means of communication, then let me apologise again for not being practised in the art and let me inform you that although telepathy is indeed a cheap way of communicating, it is not entirely reliable (although better than the Vodaphone signal in this area) so maybe you should the nationwide roll out on hold until more tests are done. 
    I am hoping that one of the explanations outlined above is true because I would hate to think that the driver on a zero hours’ contract is not delivering things on purpose to ensure that there is work for them the next day and thus ensuring  he / she could feed their family another meal. 
    So, to finish off let me offer some advice. When delivering a package, the conventional way to alert the customer to your presence is to ring the doorbell and I’d be grateful if you would employ those means when you attempt to deliver my package tomorrow.  Maybe then I will not be standing there like a eunuch like I was today. 

Yours sincerely, 
Gareth